Friday, August 31, 2007

William Burroughs; Old Bull Hubbard Meets The Mild Boys

by Bart Bull
(excerpt)

There had been copies of William Burroughs' most recent book, Armies of the Red Night, in the window of Moe's Books and piled on the display table downstairs, all marked down to the remaindered-by-the-pound price of three bucks a pop. Now, today, under the circumstances, they were $14.95 first editions, two stacks of them just within the reach of Burroughs' left hand, the one with the little finger that ends just past the first joint. Both of his hands were red with the declining circulation of age, and the right one held a Bic, one of the real cheap clear ones with a black cap.

"Look," said a guy waiting in line with books to be signed, "he uses a Bic."

The guy with him looked to confirm it and half of the rest of the line did too. Burroughs put his Bic down for a moment between customers and turned to steal a sip from his cafe au lait. The coffee had spilled from the cup into the saucer, and from the saucer onto the table, where it had gathered into a series of puddles precisely the color of Burroughs' shirt and tie. He hunched to sip his coffee without dripping it onto his pants and then he turned back to face the next in line. Two dozen sets of eyes followed every move.

The next fellow in line presented Burroughs with a collection of hardbacks and paperbacks and chapbooks that stacked a foot-and-a-half high. "I feel like a total ass," he said. Burroughs withheld comment. He signed methodically, metronomically, the tip of his Bic enunciating each letter in William S. Burroughs. The head of the fellow with the stack of books bobbed in time with Burroughs' pen. So did the head of the guy behind him, and the girl behind him, the one with the braces and the Elvis Costello glasses and the plaid skirt and the little skulls stencil-painted onto her stockings.

The line moved to the beat of Burroughs' Bic, slowly, steadily, with pauses from book to book, from customer to customer. Most of them were pretty young, sophomores or thereabouts. You should be able to pick up autographed copies of Burroughs' work at used bookstores all over Berkeley at the end of the spring quarter. One of them got up the nerve to address Burroughs directly. "Did you really marry a White Russian countess?"

"She wasn't a White Russian countess," he said. "And I never had a trust fund, and Kerouac was writing fiction." He had the voice of a bank branch manager, preoccupied with his sinuses, who has been asked to explain Federal Deposit Insurance at three minutes to six on a Friday.

"What do you think his most under-rated text was?"

"Huh?" Burroughs' voice suggested that it was now two minutes to six.

"What do you think Kerouac's most under-rated text was?" The kid actually said "text." "Tristessa?"

"Vanity of Duluoz,"
he says.

"Which?"

"Vanity of Duluoz." Burroughs is prominently featured in it.

Aphorism Number Ten: Video Games (One of a Series; Collect 'em All)

Very simply, here is the purpose of any video game:
Electrical impulses jam-ass their way toward an adrenal gland that had previously been engaged in the equivalent of watching "Laverne And Shirley" re-runs. It's a jolt of jazz-juice right up the ol' survival instinct.

Mingus Takes A Full Minute To Shuffle To Center-Stage

published in Sounds

I suppose you could use Charles Mingus' very apparent declining health as some sort of grand metaphor for, oh, I don't know — the general condition of "pure" jazz, or something, but at the time, as I was watching Mingus shuffle slowly . . . slowly . . . ever . . . so . . . slowly . . . across the stage, I wasn't thinking metaphorically.

I wasn't aware that Mingus had been in ill health. In fact, the idea of Charles Mingus hobbling feebly across a stage, entirely dependent upon a cane in order to stay upright, would have seemed ludicrous if I hadn't been witnessing it. It was hard to think of a man whose music exhibits such a dynamic humanity — is dynamic humanity — as being in ill health. Aging, yes, sure — I could easily imagine an elderly Mingus, a patriarchal figure, old and weathered and full of vinegar and piss — but not as a near invalid. So while it took Mingus nearly a minute to cross from the wings to Gammage's center-stage, it took a lot longer to reconcile to the idea that the Mingus we would hear tonight might not be a Mingus in full command of his powers.

And it may not have been a Mingus in full command of his powers, but then, I can't say for sure — how can you gauge the strength of someone like that? I saw a Mingus who, as ever, had a mastery of his unwieldy instrument that was complete and idiosyncratically individual at the same instant. I heard a Mingus whose compositions, born in full bloom, have miraculously become brighter and broader and bigger as time has held them in its hand and turned them over and around, a man as deserving of the title "Composer" as any jazzman who has preceded or followed him. I saw a man whose vitality was as full and strong and available as his weakness. Full command of his powers? Who am I to say?

Thursday, August 30, 2007

Aphorism Number Nine; Continuity (One of a Series; Collect 'em All)

"Continuity is for sissies."

Jack Nicholson, to Tom Waits, to Bart Bull in SPIN

Bill Graham — Through the Turnstiles

by Bart Bull
California magazine, (excerpt)

You! Out!” It’s Bill Graham, and he’s charged over to a grizzled Deadhead standing in line at the soup counter wearing something woven and dirty from Mexico. Teddy Roosevelt’s charge up San Juan Hill could be called lacking in enthusiasm, energy, panache. Graham is ranting in the Deadhead’s face, yelling, hollering “Get out of here!” Every single other Deadhead has stepped back away from them, pressing back against the wall or somewhere, and now this one finds himself walking backwards toward the door, shoved along by sheer decibels.

Graham keeps after him, top volume and full speed, until he’s backed him all the way out of the building and across the sidewalk to the gutter. Graham’s howling. “You think you’re gonna come in this building tonight?” There’s not an inch between his significant beak and the broken bridge of the Deadhead’s nose. The guy has two inches and 30 years and a lot of weight on Graham and there’s not a BGP person anywhere in sight — no big Event Security guys, no security bluecoats, nobody. Graham doesn’t seem to have noticed. He’s about to get killed.

“I got a ticket for tonight, Graham” the Deadhead snarls. He’s keeping his hands jammed inside the woven jacket’s front pockets.

“I see you in here, I’ll bust you wide open,” Graham growls. His voice clatters off the Civic Auditorium’s gray granite blocks. “You threatened me with a gun last night — remember, asshole? I see you on this sidewalk, I see you near this building, I’ll bust you — you don’t believe me, go get your gun! Split! You got a ticket, I’ll give you money for it but you ain’t comin’ in this building!”

[LATER]
As he turns away, a big-shouldered kid in a plaid flannel shirt comes up. He’s from New York, see, drove out here with his two buddies because he hadn’t heard one way or another as to whether his money order for tickets had been cashed and now he has no tickets and no way of knowing if he’ll ever see his 80 bucks again and the Grateful Dead guy in the ticket booth won’t even talk to him about it. He knows Bill has nothing to do with the situation, but he was wondering if there wasn’t something he could do -- not so much about the tickets, maybe but at least the money, or at least maybe get the guy at the window to at least listen to him.

“I’m sorry,” Graham says. “I really feel for you. There’s a lot of people in your position tonight, and they’ve really made a mess of things—” a quick nod in the direction of where the Grateful Dead’s own people are manning the ticket booth “—but it’s really out of my hands.”

The guy says he understands but thanks anyway, and he goes back to his pals, who’ve been watching expectantly off to the side. Graham watches them go, watches them walk away, then he calls over a security bluecoat. “See those three guys? Go get them. Take them and walk them through, around the turnstiles. Tell the person at the door I said it was okay.”

(For Mark Wellins, a true friend; In memory of Bill Graham, mensch)

Wednesday, August 29, 2007

Jimmie Rodgers; Singing Brakeman, Father of Country Music, God of Sex

published in SPIN

Jimmie Rodgers, "America's Blue Yodeler," a rambler and a rounder, has gradually been given the ill-fiting title "The Father of Country Music," primarily by those who've never heard him. Much more wisely, he is alleged to be worshipped by the Kipsigi tribe of East Africa, who have heard his 78's but lack the good fortune to have seen any of his portraits. Known to them as "Chemirocha" and considered to be a centaur-like spirit, half man and half antelope, young Kipsigi maidens are alleged to dance their most seductive dances and beg him to join them. I'd bet he does.

Aphorism Number Eight; Character and Plot (One of a series; collect 'em all)

With a full-fledged character, the plot can simply stand him next to a rack of coats and we start to know which one he'll be wearing in the next scene. In most movies, the character is the coat rack.

Tuesday, August 28, 2007

Muddy Waters — Sons And Fathers

by Bart Bull
published in Sounds (an excerpt)

There isn’t anybody in the room that he doesn’t outweigh by 40 years. What album? somebody wants to know. Muddy rears back and shouts it —"Hard Again!” — his voice cutting through the cigarette smoke like an electric fan. One of the more truly drunken musicians wants to know if the title means what it says. Muddy rolls off another big laugh, a boomer. “Hell, I look like it, don’t I? Sometime it do and sometime it don’t!”

Another one of the acolytes crouching at his feet asks “You’re a grandfather now, right?”

“I’m a great-grandfather now. I got two great-grandchi’ren. I got one of my big grandsons here with me -- where is he? Six foot somethin’ . . . I got four grandchi’ren and two great grandchi’ren . . . and a young wife! Woooooooo-oooooooo! Gahdamn right! I got a young woman! “

Muddy’s rollin’ now. He’s got the whole room entranced. “See, my wife passed in ‘73 and I got a young woman! Gotta keep playin’, boy! ‘She got ways like a baby child! Sleep with her hand open, not her fist doubled up!' Yessir! Ahh, boy . . . so young she still have milk on her breath! At’s a young baby! And I like her, too! I run home every time I get a chance, I’m on my way. Three days there, and that seem like a month! Ready to play again!”

Muddy’s son, who serves as his father’s road manager, has been moving in and out of the room through all this. A slender, dapper little man, he stops to watch the last few moments of his father’s impromptu performance and then turns away. In the grand tradition of sons and fathers everywhere he’s a little embarassed by the old man and his hi-jinks.

[Excerpts will follow until this story is complete and entire.]

Frank Zappa — "Ich Bin Das Wasser"

by Bart Bull
published in Sounds (excerpt)

He was scratching the stubble under his chin again. “I figure that ninety per cent of the people that came to the concert tonight came for one reason and that was to hear ‘Dinah Moe Hum.’ I think—”

“I loved the way you played that!” It was pudgy Nancy’s friend, the cute one. She wanted an autograph. “Who’s got paper?” she hollered. Finally, she pulled out her checkbook, tore a check loose, and handed it to Frank. “There,” she said. “And over there.”

He scribbled, then handed it back. Nancy came over and wanted to see too. “What’d he write for you?”

“I don’t know, I can’t read that.” She pulled out another piece of paper and held it in front of him. “Write something . . . really sentimental . . . No!! Something really Zappa-ish, you know?”

“Yeah!,” said Nancy. “Something really Zappa-esque.”

Frank took the pen and paper again, looked at it a moment, then wrote “Ich bin das Wasser.” Nancy’s friend loved that. “Write that on my leg, will you? Please?”

Nancy had a piece of paper now too. “Write something for me now too.” He looked up at her slowly; his eyes were dead again.

“I’m sorry to hassle you.” she said.

“You are hassling me,” Frank snarled.

She went sweet. “I’m sorry...”

“You’re as bad as your uncle.” [Back story: Her uncle was Clive Davis.]

I’m sor-ry.” Her voice was warm limp syrup. “If I smile nice for you, will you–”

“Nobody smiles as nice as he does.”

Nothing slowed Nancy down. “We’re going up to Las Vegas and see you.”

“Who?”

Us -- your fans. Can we have backstage passes?”

Sunday, August 26, 2007

Aphorism Number Six - Urban Planning (One of a Series; Collect 'em All)

Urban planners have killed off the center of any number of major American cities in the last fifty years and Phoenix, though late for the bandwagon, has been hustling to catch up ever since.

Walter Matthau Cleans The Pool at the Beverly Hills Tennis Club

by Bart Bull
(published in The Washington Post, Arena, others)

Walter Matthau is cutting a deal. No, Walter Matthau is slicing a deal. Across the table is a gentleman who looks like a movie producer. “I’m going to talk to you in code,” Matthau tells him, “and see if you understand.” The producer says he doesn’t understand.

Matthau is carving the air with big red hands. “I’m talking about I want four parts of the pie and you’re talking about three parts. Do you hear?” If anyone ever seemed in his element, clam happy, at peace, it’s Walter Matthau at this moment, slicing movie pie in the air.

“Now wait a minute. Of those three parts, think about one part having pure raisins in it. Pure raisins. Now do you understand me?” The producer looks studiously blank.

No matter; Matthau begins again. “Awright, we’re talking about a pie, right? Now I want four parts of the pie, you only want to give me three. If I take three parts, I want one part to have pure raisins in it....” He’s really doing a tremendous job of building his special piece of solid raisin-packed pie right there in the air of the Beverly Hills Tennis Club dining room, but somehow the producer is unable to see it.

Never mind. Right now Walter is busy describing the funniest thing he’s ever seen in his entire life, which is the big gastric ulcer scene from the Japanese film Akira. A photographer would like Mr. Mathau to move outside near the pool for a few shots and Mr. Matthau is glad to oblige but first he’d like to show her his leg. He pulls his pants-leg up past his knee and displays a calf swaddled in a surf-style Body Glove wetsuit and gives her the full and complete details of how he tore two fibers in the— he savors every syllable — gastrocnemius muscle above the Achilles tendon while running across the risky Pacific Coast Highway. It was like getting shot in the leg, he says, and he sows her the extra five-eighths of an inch he’s had added to to the heel of his right shoe to relieve the pain.

Handicap established, he gets up slowly, glacially, eternally, creaking and groaning out of his chair and then stumping out to the poolside tables, looking like nothing so much as Captain Red, peg-legged pirate protagonist of Matthau’s latest movie, Roman Polanski’s Pirates.
Pirates are a matter Matthau researched extensively when he took the role of Captain Red, finding, according to his favorite book, that most pirates were homosexuals, if only through necessity.

“Well, what did you do in the 17th Century if you weren’t an aristocrat, if you weren’t a land-owner. You were either in commerce or in the serving class. I think these guys in the back of their minds knew they would have a surprisingly delightful but short life if they were bandits.”

The pirate he plays in Polanski’s movie, however, lives anything but a short life, scheming, dealing, wheedling and taking huge risks, but always surviving, always plunging onward. The allegorically-inclined might find in Pirates a parallel to the life of either Polanski or Matthau or perhaps both, while the more trusting reader of movie studio press kits will discover that Matthau was on his absolute best actorly behavior for Pirates, bending mildly before Polanski’s genius, willing and eager to accept the director’s every word of guidance.
For a moment, Matthau himself is capable of buying into that charming fantasy as well, since it’s almost to lovely to deny. “Yeah, you almost have to know that Polanski’s the star of any film that he’s working in. some people have that need and that magnetism” You can tell it’s an alien concept to Matthau. “It’s a Polanski film is what it is, and, uh, sometimes you fight with that, all the time knowing there’s no way you’re going to win. But it’s the fight that you like, and the revelations that come from it. I fight with my wife a lot, and afterwards I know more than I did before I started, because in the middle of the fight I extricate truths that I didn’t know exited or I wanted confirmed.” He says it, “confoirmed,” exactly as Walter Matthau would.

“Well, with a guy like Polanski, that happens all the time. Polanski, who is used to getting his way, and dominating every facet of the making of a movie....” and now Matthau is warming to the subject. “ Well, if you challenge him in some way, on some piece of direction he may give you, if the piece of direction has some social disharmony, you say, ‘Hey, wait a minute.’ And then you start an argument for a half hour. Then he says, ‘Well, alright, I don’t agree with you but do it whatever way you want because I have no more time to discuss it.” And then you walk away and ahave a long face”-- and Walter Matthau can have a long long face -- “and you do it badly. Then he says, “Hey, you’re doing it badly now, is there something wrong?’ And then you have another hour’s discussion. Well, then you go to dinner.

“You see, I always did that. I remember it was a picture called Voice In The Mirror that I did with Richard Egan and Julie. . . Julie London? I had a role in it, I played a doctor.”

And that was appropriate enough; after a couple of coronaries and a quadruple bypass and a pair of bouts with hepatitis and a near-miss on a broken neck doing a stunt-on a picture with Jack Lemmon -- not to mention his grievous torn gastrocnemius -- Matthau pals around with doctors, cardiologists and cardio-vascular surgeons, and even here by the pool he’s wearing a t-shirt from Centinela Hospital Health Center.

Anyway, he was making this picture with Julie London and Richard Egan. “And I had a line in it about alcoholism being an incurable disease and I objected to the line, but I mainly objected to start a fight because I wasn’t introduced to Julie London or Riochard Egan and I didn’t know the director very well. I had just come in from New York and I wanted to start a rumpus so I could get to know people and have them argue with me. And so Richard Egan explained, ‘Listen, he’s not really fighting. He’s a New York actor, and he wants to get tot he bottom of things.’ Well, the director apologized then, and said he wasn’t a read director, that he was a cutter.

The point of this story is about Roman Polanski, and now that he’s gotten to it, it seems only too apparent: “Polanski is very uncomfortable unless he’s in control.”

The photographer would like it if Walter would take off his sunglasses and Walter is perfectly glad to oblige but he has a theory about having your picture taken. He’d like to share it. “You must never just pose. You must always say something to the camera like, ‘You see that camera? ‘ He’s pointing right down the lens. ‘That’s a rotten camera. That camera’s no good. It’s one of the worst. That camera sells for a dollar thrity-five cents.’ You know?

The photographer would also like it if Walter would go over closer to the pool. “No, that would be fakery, giving people the idea that I’m an oudoor person, a pool person. I was once a pool man, I cleaned pools but . . . “ Someone suggests a shot of him cleaning the pool (his character in The Bad News Bears was a pool cleaner, at any rate, whether he ever did or not) and he’s taken with the idea, fakery or not. “Hmmmm. Cleaning the pool. You want a shot? Wait a minute, I have to hobble over. . . .” The grunts and groans begin again, the richly dramatic hoisting and leveraging from the deck chair.

When he comes back Walter has a story about acting, a Yiddish dialect story about the little guy who comes in to the theater and says, “Igscuse me, do you do here the auditions for Hamlet, the title role ?’ and before you know it he’s delivering stentorian pear-shaped To Be Or Not To Be’s with the best of them. Better, even “Better than Olivier, better than Gielgud, better than Barrymore......” And of course everybody’s impressed and amazed and wants to know how the little guy does it, to which the kicker is, [Yiddish accented] “That’s acting.”
“An actor is supposed to have a lot of different parts about him, that’s why he’s an actor. If you wanna be, in quotes, a “movie star,” then you have to be typecast, because the banks are not gong to put up money for anything new or strange. They’ll put up money for a recognizable product.”

And which is he?

“Well, I’ve fallen into the trap of “movie star,” I’m afraid. You see, you can’t earn, just being an actor, the money that I’ve earned as a “movie star,” and live in a big house, with a lot of flowers and a swimming pool and a lot of nice objects, furniture and stuff, and have a nice car . . . . I couldn’t really earn that as an actor. So I pretend that I’m still an actor.

“And I pretend that I’m still encrusted with the veneer of desire to be truthful. I’m not. I’m really a sort of businessman-whore. Pretending.”

The money, of course, is not just for big houses with flowers and swimming pools and the answer is nowhere near so easy. Matthau loves acting, always has, always, and he’s always needed money, lots of it. Always.

As a kid, at ten or eleven, he sat on the toilet in a tenement on Manhattan’s Lower East Side, and read Shakespeare, practicing his melliflous pear-shaped tones until his speech became so notable that his brother Henry had to explain him to the other kids.

Walter got in a lot of fights as a kid -- he broke the young Rocky Graziano’s nose one day outside the 10th Street Boys Club -- and for years he told his interviewers that the size of his nose was due to “bulbous cartilege” developed during his early years after being punched in the nose so often. He told them as well that he was raised in an orphanage; in fact, his father Milton Matthow (Americanized from Melas Matuschansky) abandoned his mother when Walter was three; his mother supported the family and Walter was deposited at the Daughters of Israel Day Nursery, which is not to say that it didn’t feel like an orphanage.

The kid who was fascinated with acting got a job in a Yiddish theater on Second Avenue selling soda and ice cream. Tall for his age -- at 12, he was six-foot-two and weighed 85 pounds -- someone onstage drafted him to fill in at an adult’s role. He’d play his part, strip off his costume just before intermission, then run up and down the aisles dispensing drinks and candy bars. Already a mix of businessman and actor, he got fifty cents a night for his onstage work.

“Fifty cents a night, fifty cents a performance, would be four dollars and fifty cents a week, nine performances, and I would only make two dollars and fifty cents a week as a soda or ice cream vendor. And in this way I could make six or seven dollars a week, which was a great deal of money then, especially for a twelve or thirteen year old boy. Half I gave to my mother, who would use it wisely, and the other half I’d love gambling. Because I enjoyed gambling, I enjoyed the discomfort and the misery and the aggravation of losing the money. And I still do.”
Walter Matthau’s gambling is legenary, and his debts are a matter of record. He’s told interviewers over and over again throughout the years that he’s quit gambling for good; he’s told them again and again the exact figures he’s dropped, althought these days, after at least one extortion attempt, he’s slightly, just slightly, more reticent. (George Burns once said, ”When he makes a $500 bet he won’t tell you, he’s ashamed it’s so small.”)

In the late Fifties, long before he’d achieved anything like fame as an actor, much less as a movie star, he once dropped $183,000 in two weeks --- and spent the next six years paying it off. He started his second marriage owing $175,000 to a bookie while paying $60,000 ayear alimony and child support. And in 1958 he dumped $48,000 on a ball game between the Yankees and Baltimore.

He did and still enjoys the pain of losing. “It’s an emotion that’s much larger than the pleasantry of winning. Winning is a small emotion compared to losing.” One of his cardiologist acquaintances has infomred him that at a certain race track there’s always a heart attack every day and the victim is always clutching a losing ticket. “Never a winning ticket. Never seen a guy get a heart attack from a winner.”

Even with his own history of heart attacks and his voluminous file of disastrous losses, Matthau also has a reputation as a hardnosed negotiator, a tenacious and unflappable dealmaker, a winner. His salary has climbed steadily whenever it wasn’t skyrocketing; his son Charlie has been worked into a half a dozen parts in his movies and even received credit at age sixteen as an associate producer. His bold litigation -- some might call it piratical -- against Universal for a larger slice of the pie when The Bad News Bears was sold to television was settled lucratively out of court.

For a guy with a big urge to lose, with an entire philosophy formed around his need to lose, he’s done pretty well by his career.

“I guess maybe one balances the other. Like the fellow in the Somerset Maugham story who goes for a job and the guy says, ‘Well, I see you at the club -- don’t you win a lot of money at poker ’ he says, ‘Yes, I do, but I lose it at bridge.’ Maybe one helps the other. Maybe I want to work all the time and so I force myself by steering the course, of getting money, losing it, giving it away to charities, needing money again, gong to work again, havng to constantly replenish the coffers. . . . maybe this is what keeps me going.”

Because he does, after all, love acting, love to think and talk and theorize abut acting -- although it’s not necessarily his own acting he loves. “when I see some of my pictures, I wince at the groveling for a laugh. ‘ Please laugh, this is funny now,’ and I just hate myself for doing that. But now I’m getting better -- see, I don’t think anybody can really reach an understanding of how a character should behave until he’s at least eighty, eighty-five. And by that time he’s usually physically unable to do what he’s supposed to.”

“All this humility about his own work doesn’t mean he’s any easier on any of the players in his life. Maybe one day he’ll get back around to that play he was going to write, The Critics’ Murder Case, the one where the curtains part on opening night and the actor comes out with a Thompson sub-machine gun and mows down every pen-pusher in the house.

And then there’s his agent, the one he once called a first-class idiot in print. “Oh, yeah, he is a moron of the first rank. He’s an imbecile.” Why keep him on ? "Because I think all agents are imbeciles and since I can scream at him and call him all kinds of names, you know. Another agent might take umbrage, get insulted, have feelings.”

The businessman in him appreciates a guy who can take it; the actor enjoys booting an agent’s butt; the habitual loser likes the fact that the agent always leaves the room with his piece of the action in his pocket; and the movie star is pleased to see that when they need a Walter Matthau type, with the squinty eyes and the lump of a Walter Matthau nose, they’ve got to come to Walter Matthau and to nobody else

“My nose. Speaking of my nose, at $:30 I have to have another biopsy on my nose because the pathologist took a biopsy last week and he lost it. He lost a piece of my nose. A piece of my nose is floating around somewhere. They have to take another piece off. I don’t know why I’m letting him do this. He thinks maybe there’s some basal carcinoma there.” The gambler in him seems pleased with the risk.

Matthau’s nose is, in an odd sort of way, his fortune. It kept him from being a movie star, it helped him become a movie star. In the old Hollywood days of Tab and Ty and Rock and Rip, gossip columnist Hedda Hopper took Walter under her wing and gave him a piece of advice: “Get it fixed, Walter.” His mother felt the same way.

And in Pirates, Polanski seems almost fixated with it at times, shooting upwards into nostrils that seem large enough to sail a square-rigged CinemaScope brigantine through. “My mother used to apologize for my nose. She used to say, ‘This is my son Walter and the reason his nose is so large is because he used to have a lot of fistfights when he was a boy and they punched him in the nose a lot and so he developed a lot of cartilage.”

Bulbous cartilage? “Bulbous Cartilage! That’s a good name for an actor -- Sir Bulbous Cartilage!”

“I had a lot of fistfights, no question aboutit. I picked up my mother’s excuse for why my nose was so large. I keep looking in the mirror, you know, every day. Is it really so large ? Doesn’t seem so large to me. Then again, I’d look kind of silly if I had a smaller nose.”

His nose has been his fortune in a way, but if that’s all there was to Walter Matthau, they could hire Karl Malden. As to what exactly it is that makes for a Walter Matthau type, Walter Matthau says he’s totally in the dark. Or almost totally. He has a thought.

“An actor is supposed to have a lot of different parts about him, that’s why he’s an actor. If I was going to play Walter Matthau, I’d do it badly. I wouldn’t know where to start. Or if I did, I’d pretend not to know because it would be too painful.”

And with his thumb at the edge of one nostril and his forefinger at the edge of the other, he tugs on his nose and listens to hear how that sounds, hear how it plays.

Hollywood Hookers and Parisian Pimps

(Walter Matthau and Jack Lemmon were dear friends for decades. I thought maybe since this piece has a Lemmon-y twist to it, I'd plunk it in here. Et voila!)
So I’m watching, this very moment, “Irma La Douce,” a movie I’ve never seen before, and not one I’d ever even once considered watching either, even back in the day when the Catholic Church -- you remember them -- gave it the dreaded “C” rating. That’s “C” for “Condemned,” as in You Will Be Condemned Right Straight To Hell if you dare sneak in to watch the voluminously-cleavaged divorcee Elizabeth Taylor in “Cleopatra,” or the licentious James Bond of “Goldfinger,” or theTechni-Colorful Parisian pimps and gold-hearted Parisian prostitutes of “Irma La Douce.”
(Admittedly, I haven’t been keeping up lately with contempo-Catholic doctrine/dogma/dictae, so I don’t know if I’m going partly to Hell on account of only watching part of it so far, or whether that merely gathers me extra time in Purgatory, Roman Catholicism’s metaphysical DMV. I do solemnly confess that I scrolled back during Shirley MacLaine’s bathtub scene to confirm the fact that you could absolutely certainly see a bare hint of bare left breast, one of the left breasts I’m personally least interested in seeing in all the world , true, but one that I can Confirm. With a capital “C." I am, after all, both a noted critic and an intrepid reporter.)

Set in Paris, this is movie Paris, a Paris set in Hollywood on a Hollywood set, a 1963 Hollywood set, a 1963 Hollywood Paris already weeping drippy nostalgia for a bygone Paris before that Paris has gone by. And 1963, I should probably remind you, is the last year of the 1950s. This is a Billy Wilder picture, but a Billy Wilder picture he didn't really write, based on a play, a Parisian sex farce, and based on Billy Wilder’s own nostalgia for his own brief sojourn in Paris, from back when he was working his way out of the Austro-Hungarian provinces en route to Vienna to Berlin to Paris to, finally, permanently, Hollywood; as a journalist working his the way up to screenwriter working his way up to director working his way up to screenwriting-director-producer, and working to keep his sardonic Viennese Jewish aesthetician’s ass out of Hitler’s frying pan.

But nostalgia, easiest and ickiest color in the whole box of cinematic crayons, is especially unworthy of Billy “All Laughs Cut On All Edges” Wilder, that impossibly rare creator of great comedy and great drama, the guy who maybe invented film noir, who wrote with Raymond Chandler, roomed with Peter Lorre, and worked with Marilyn Monroe and Ernst Lubitsch and Gloria Swanson and Eric Von Stroheim and Jimmy Cagney. Who escaped the Nazis but lived to learn that his family didn’t.

And who worked, again and again and again, in “Some Like It Hot,” and “The Apartment,” and “The Fortune Cookie,” and in “Irma La Douce,” with Jack Lemmon, determined clown-poet of corporate failure. Here he’s a hapless policeman, fired for putting too fine a point on his job of rounding up prostitutes, ending up a hapless pimp. (As you do.) All very Billy Wilder-esque, but inevitably, Jack Lemmon, genius film actor that he is, plays Jack Lemmon. Jack Lemmon in Paris, perhaps, Jack Lemmon, Parisian policeman, then Jack Lemmon, failed Parisian pimp {or mec, as the patois has it; you can bet we’ll be exploring and hyper-linking the hell out of that one, Mec-daddies) but above all, Jack Lemmon, the ultimate buttoned-down Man in the Grey Flannel Suit, The Organization Man with the extraordinarily empty existential briefcase. Never a boss, always a sheep, but an especially nervous, neurotic one, a sheep who can’t help foreseeing the shearing to come and the mint sauce to follow.

Lemmon would go on to age visibly, to wear and tear palpably, to fray at the Brooks Brothers cuffs of his nervous system, to survive the shearing sheds but to show every moment of humiliation in haunted eyes, in ever more poignant tics and twitches. Wilder’s movies declined, oddly, curiously, strangely, for so accomplished a master, and “Irma La Douce” marks the beginning of the end. It wouldn’t be long before he wasn’t makiing movies any more, Hollywood being Hollywood. It wouldn't be long, either, 1963 being the start of The Sixties, before Hollywood was done with Paris. A decade of post-WWII musicals served up to former GIs meant "Irma La Douce" was pretty much, uhm, the last time we saw Paris for the better part of a decade. London was swingin', the youth market was about acquire British accents and Beatle haircuts, and Paris sounded too much like accordions.

Style notes: Shirley MacLaine's Irma La Douce wears Paris green (we'll be discussing this at length some time further on down the road) throughout: hosiery, bra, negligee. And this despite the traditional French theatre ban on green costume. I bet there was some point to this. Maybe you know what it was.

Oh, and Floyd the barber was the helpful desk clerk at the hooker's hotel.

Percy Mayfield; Poet of the Blues

by Bart Bull
(from Details)

A man who is downhome and urbane in the same instant knows more than most. The man who wrote "Lost Mind," "Wasted Dream," "Nightless Lover," "Memory Pain," "Life Is Suicide," "The River's Invitation, " "I Dare You, Baby," "You Don't Exist No More," and "The Big Question," knows more than most, and wishes it weren't all true.

Thursday, August 23, 2007

Luke The Drifter — Hank Williams Blows the Foam Off the River of Life

by Bart Bull

By 1950, Hank Williams was the biggest thing in country music, the biggest thing there'd ever been in country music, and he was making real good progress at killing himself. Haunted by guilt, by sin, by God, by his wife, by alcohol, by the periodic binges that seized his life if he so much as blew the foam off a beer mug, haunted by the idea and spectre and facts of divorce, and haunted as well by a fierce case of precisely what has haunted hillbilly music from the night it first hit town, by that weird dislocated experience of being a country boy in a city world even if you weren't actually a country boy, or even in the city, either one. Ever.

All alone and lost, lost on the river of life, Hank Williams could no more help but repent than he could keep free of sin. He began to go in the studio and cut remorseful monologues like "A Picture From Life's Other Side" and "Too Many Parties, Too Many Pals" and "Be Careful of the Stones You Throw" and "Men With Broken Hearts," songs that were often fierce old stump-speech leftovers from a time when minstrel shows and religious revivals were both showbiz tentpoles. The word "maudlin" was created for songs such as these. They're parlor pieces of the sort that bloomed up out of the fantastically enriched Southern soil that followed the slaughter of the Civil War. (When Bob Dylan's first album included a Blind Lemon Jefferson song called "See That My Grave Is Kept Clean," he was aurally illustrating Samuel Charters' recent epoch-defining book, "The Country Blues," wherein Charters had located the great blind bluesman's neglected grave and had painstakingly drawn arrows all around the irony. What neither Charters nor Dylan knew was that Jefferson's deep blues had been his adaption of the Civil War parlor hit, "See That My Grave Is Kept Green." No matter; somebody collected the publishing funds.)

Between him and his publishing company and his record label and Hank again, somebody was slick and sober enough to make sure that these here ones didn't hit the jukeboxes with the name "Hank Williams" on them anywhere but just only inside of those little publishing-money parentheses where the songwriter credits get listed — even in the cases where Hank hadn't
actually wrote 'em. Instead, these records were released under an unlikely old-school alias, under the name "Luke The Drifter."

Which didn't stop Hank from singing them — he couldn't help it. A month after he was dead and buried and the loose earth stomped firmly over top of him, an Alabama reporter remembered Hank Williams asking of "Men With Broken Hearts," "Ain't that the awfullest, morbidest song you ever heard in your life?" By which he meant, the reporter explained, "Ain't that somethin?" But then, the same reporter described yet another time Hank had played the exact same song and afterward, Hank spoke with wonder and dread of his own work: "Don't know why I happened to of wrote that thing. Except somebody that fell, he's the same man as before he fell, ain't he? Got the same blood in his veins. How can he be such a nice guy when he's got it and such a bad guy when he ain't got nothin'? Can you tell me?" If anybody piped up with an answer, the reporter didn't mention it. Snot-nosed small town Georgia teenager Flannery O'Connor probably could have launched a rocket-shaped remark about it, especially being as she may have been the only one within a tri-state area who would've been inclined to joke about it; never a big hillbilly music fan, young Miss O'Connor was not in attendence at Hank's funeral in Montgomery, which yet again made her one of the few. It was his funeral but our trial; her mordant joke is missed to this very moment.

Luke The Drifter was an ideal way for Hank Williams to watch himself get killed off before the picture ended, to ride the black stallion and still sit in the cheap seats too, to split his personality into two, to cleave his own head in half with a hatchet and see what in hell sprang forth. Plainly, Luke had wandered out from the backwoods and the old days and old ways, while Hank himself was streamlined, jet-powered, chrome-plated, a two-toned pink-and-black Rocket 88 among men. The difference between Hank Williams's own music and rockabilly is a song by song thing, a matter of degrees and drumming, but it ain't much, most often, and it's very few rockabilly masters who wouldn't have given it all up to be Hank Williams for a week or so. Hank Williams only just wanted to give it all up. He couldn't, but Luke The Drifter could carry some of his load.

Aphorism Number Five: American Urges (One of a series; collect 'em all!)

There's something in an American that makes the urge to save souls and cure cancer and steal votes and sell something -- anything -- all at the same time absolutely irresistible.
Bart Bull, from SPIN

David Lynch; Mild At Heart

When David Lynch was a boy in Boise, he blew things up and burned things down.
In Hollywood, he burns things up and shoots movies.
by Bart Bull
(published in Vogue)

There is a house on fire in a park in the desert just below a dam. The lights are on. Standing outside, looking through wide picture windows the way no neighbor is supposed to look into someone else's home — especially at night —we see a man on fire stumble through the kitchen and toward the living room, his clothes in flames, spreading fire everywhere. He grabs at the curtains, knocks over the table, lurches to the piano, and collapses on the floor as the fire takes the house. 


The pyrotechnicians extinguish him first, then spray the curtains, the table, the piano. When the smoke and the dense fog from the fire extinguisher clear, they'll prepare the house for another burn. It's cold out here in the desert. People are drinking coffee and hot chocolate.

When David Lynch was a boy in Boise, Idaho, he blew things up and burned things down. "We were all, um, heavily into making bombs at that particular place and time." The time was the 1950s, and Idaho was the idyllic Pacific Northwest, pines and cedars and alders, wild blackberries, raspberries, huckleberries. His father was in the U.S. Forest Service. David had a friend down the street who blew his foot off with a homemade rocket. "Kinda stupid in a way, but he was tamping the match heads down with a metal rod, just to keep 'em packed. And his mother was pregnant..." — all this has the offhand, somewhat nasal sound of a David Lynch plot, macabre and matter-of-fact —"and it went off, the rocket went off, and these match heads had such a force that it drove the rocket through his ankle and it blew fire and burnt match heads all over the porch. He fell down because he couldn't stand up, and he was in a pool of blood with these little burnt match heads and smoke all around him. When his mother saw that, she almost lost the baby." The boy's brother was at the swimming-pool when he heard about the accident, and passed out and had to be saved. An orderly row of dominoes tumbled, and then, even more mysteriously, order fell back in place. "They took him and sewed his foot back on, and he was OK after that."

And when David Lynch was in art school, he built a machine. It was during the 1960s, and painting was wildly considered an archaic and outmoded practice, lacking conceptual rigor. David's machine was an orderly contraption, a Rube Goldberg art operation. A ball rolled down a pipe, was routed along a series of ramps, rode teeter-totters, tripped hair-triggers, and completed electrical connections that caused the mouth of a sculpture woman to fly open and a red light to come on. Then a match would strike and light a firecracker. The firecracker would blow up and the sculpted woman would scream. Then David could reset all the triggers and do it again.

It's wrap day, the last day of shooting David Lynch's next movie, Wild at Heart, his first since Blue Velvet, and Laura Dern is handing out gifts, small, southwesterly adobe huts made to burn tiny cedar logs from inside. Parting gifts to the crew from Nick --- Nicolas Cage --- and herself. This is her second David Lynch movie. Is there a better way to feel? Is there a more respected director today than David Lynch? Directors are a debased currency in today's Hollywood --- producers count, studio heads are stars, stars are social philosophers, agents inspire fear, but instead of wielding the staff of power as they once did, directors stand in line now for a chance to kiss it. In our day, David Lynch seems to be a genuine exception, seems almost accidental. He may well be. In any case, Laura feels just wonderful. She's gifted everyone now and cuddled in alongside David. "Da-vid," she calls him, accent on both syllables. She wants him to hear about her shopping trip. "Da-vid, I want to shop for you! Let me shop for you!" Laura Dern was raised in Los Angeles. It seems a sensible thing to offer.

Most of the boutiques on Melrose are likely to be fresh out of long-billed fishing caps like the one David is wearing, though smart money suggests they'll be available at The Gap by next fall. Lynch takes the businessman's slant on the Artist of the Eighties look: shirt buttoned up against the Adam's apple, mildly anonymous khaki pants when at work, hair left thoughtfully long at the crown and trimmed severely at the sides. A charter member of Esquire magazine's very embarrassing "Register" of yuppie achievers, Lynch did, after all, in his 1977 film Eraserhead, successfully predict the fashionable art guy's hair architecture for the eighties. So far, he's managed his look without Laura Dern's help.

Eraserhead began in film school, where Lynch landed after art school — he's something like the quintessential grad student. He attended the prestigious American Film Institute on a fellowship from the Center for Advanced Film Studies, which placed him prominently among the first generation to receive academic training in filmmaking. A boxed set of wonderful stories from this period is available: he supported himself with a paper route that paid forty-eight dollars a week; he lived secretly on the Eraserhead set at the mansion that housed the AFI; and, in what could be viewed as a perfectly executed conceptualist's joke about grad student thesis-release anxiety, he spent five years completing Eraserhead. The movie went on to enduring success on the midnight movie circuit, assembling Lynch's core audience from hipsters who had grown past The Rocky Horror Picture Show.

His next movie, The Elephant Man, did nearly as much to help his artistic case as it did that of the producer, Mel Brooks. A critical and financial success, nominated for eight Oscars, it left Lynch established. Hollywood had been waiting, it appeared, for someone exactly like David Lynch, someone with vision and taste and the nerve to make his own kind of movie. Critics adored him if only for giving them the chance to use the term "painterly"; studio heads loved the idea of making money and art and awards all at once.; producers loved the idea of happy studio heads. Any direction David Lynch turned, a door opened before him.

Someone asks about Pepino, Lynch's dog. Pepino has wandered off into the Hollywood hills behind Lynch's Frank Lloyd Wright home, out Lynch's forbidding yard of cacti to the hills where the coyotes prowl. He's worried, he says, about what might have happened to Pepino. He wonders. And then he wonders aloud, "How many times can we burn the house down?"

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Something rotten is out there, corrupt, diseased, only just hidden by the smoothest surfaces, the most placid of facades. If hip taste in our time is embodied by David Lynch -and there is no other creative figure as uniformly admired by those with even the least claim to hipness - the queasy imagery that invariably appears in each of his films, the secret shocking squirmier that stirs beneath the mundane, is surely a source of his power. Giant intestine-like sandworms, malformed bodies, vicious, bruising sex, membranous tissue in a slick and sticky-wet state -these occur in Lynch's films as predictably as other movies avoid them. Rather than truly upsetting anyone -for only those who know nothing of David Lynch are really shocked by such stuff- the images confirm the faultless taste of his audiences. They are his peers, after all: graduate students and the art-inclined, city dwellers who need make no leap of the imagination when confronted with the idea that something icky is going on out there in the woods. Partly the classic modernist tactic of shocking the bourgeoisie while elbow-nudging the hepcats, it's also a case of making aesthetically sophisticated gross out movies --- films that will make even the most icily urbane date squeeze your hand with Saturday night drive-in dithers.

"Because of his AFI background, he's a classically trained director," says Mark Frost. "He just applies for it in unconventional ways. But if you were to put up his work against any major director of the last thirty years, the strength of his visual work is every bit as good as theirs, in a structural or formal sense." Frost and Lynch are partners, collaborators, friends. Frost types, Lynch doesn't. Together they wrote One Saliva Bubble, a script that acquired a certain legendary status as it made the rounds and managed to stay unmade, and they wrote and directed Twin Peaks, an episodic television series debuting on ABC prime time as a midseason replacement. Twin Peaks is an ambitious multistoried melodrama, compared in its own publicity to Dickens, Peyton Place, and Blue Velvet. However much Frost, who wrote for Hill Street Blues in its palmy early days, had to do with it, Twin Peaks feels like nothing so much as David Lynch's sensibility stretched at full length, hour upon hour of oddities piled on banalities piled atop non sequiturs. It can't miss, at least as far as the converted are concerned – it's nothing if not Lynchian – while more typical television viewers have yet to be consulted.

What may be most fascinating about Twin Peaks is the degree to which the show acknowledges actor Kyle MacLachlan as the director's alter ego. MacLachlan, who grew up in the Pacific Northwest, looks like Lynch's younger brother, and just as he was an impromptu investigator in Twin Peaks he plays an FBI agent mysteriously endowed with the abstract mannerisms of Inspector David Lynch. "In a way," says Lynch, "Agent Dale Cooper – and Kyle would admit it – takes some things from me, you know. It may be a bit of an influence." He'd really rather talk about detectives. "To me, a detective is the most magical type of character, because mysteries are to me the greatest thing. Puzzles and things like this are thrilling, clues, things like finding money. Everything is a mystery and we're all detectives. Even scientists are detectives and they're all looking for clues to solve the big mystery. There are so many detectives going around, and so many mysteries."

Dune was intended to be a blockbuster among blockbusters in the Christmas season of 1984. An extravagant special effects epic in the science fictional mode, Dune was supposed to be Star Wars, actually, but with the mark of Lynch's hand on it – the merchandising deals called for Dune toys, T-shirts, vitamins, sleeping bags. After The Elephant Man, Lynch had signed a multipicture deal with Dino De Laurentis: he would make Dune, then a picture called Blue Velvet and another called Ronnie Rocket, and then he was obligated to do Dune II and Dune III.

Dune was a disaster. Hazily remembered these days by Lynch aficionados as something of an art film hurt by unsympathetic editing. Dune was merely a wildly ambitious mainstream movie gone bad. Everything went wrong — it had all been a mistake. As in any David Lynch movie, something rotten, diseased and corrupt squirmed just below the surface, but in this case, it was giant lampreylike sandworms and an evil warlord whose pustular boils were popped as part of the action the plot failed to supply. It wasn't the sort of thing that sells sleeping bags.

"In retrospect," Lynch says, "I can see that I started getting into trouble on Dune early on, and it wasn't just the final editing that did it, although I think the film could be way, way of better. I still worry that I don't know if it could ever be a great film, or even a real good film. I don't know. I forget so much about it."

"Like they say, nobody sets out to make a bad picture. And when you make a picture that's very successful but you don't that's not successful and you don't like it – both – that's a devastating thing. Devastating. What's amazing to me is how you can play tricks on your mind, or your mind can play tricks on you, and it keeps you from seeing what's really happening. I don't know. I really suffered a huge...you know, kind of...depression, and filmmaking was no longer fun at all. It was filled with fear and I questioned everything. All the great things you have with success, I felt the opposite in every category and it was bad news. You don't trust yourself. You don't trust anything. It's very bad." There was every reason to believe his career in Hollywood, his career as a director, was entirely over. It had all been a mistake. The doors had closed.

In the days of Dune, the art student in Lynch had created the very conceptual Fish Kit and Chicken Kit, made up of actual animals that had been dissected and disassembled and labeled so as to resemble the kits sold to kids to make model planes or cars. After Dune, he painted. He has been working with oils for the past two years. Art school was twenty years ago, and painting is perfectly acceptable now. Lynch's work has little dabs of paper stuck onto a lightly underpainted surface, with little hand-done block-type capital letters inked out to say things like "WHEN I RETURNED THERE WERE BUGS IN THE HOUSE AND FIRE AND BLOOD IN THE STREETS BY GOLLY," "IT'S A GREAT BIG WONDERFUL WORLD," and "ON A WINDY NIGHT A FIGURE WALKS TO JUMBO'S KLOWN ROOM." (Jumbo's is a reasonably sordid topless bar in a seedy section of Hollywood.) Just to make certain no one mistakes the work for mere abstraction lacking in irony, sketchy elements like house shapes are etched onto the cake-frosted surface, and sometimes there are oddly shaped clouds. These are paintings that could hang over the bed in any tasteful postmodern hotel room.

He's a cartoonist as well, in an appropriately conceptual sort of way. For the last seven years, his four-panel cartoon has run in the weekly Los Angeles Reader — the same relentless four panels. The strip's title is "The Angriest Dog in the World." Each of the panels features a growling dog shaped much like a pollywog: "The dog is so angry he cannot move...Bound so tightly with tension and anger, he approaches the state of rigor mortis." Word balloons appear in one or two of the panels, with the words phoned in each week from Lynch and printed by one of the paper's staff. A few month's back, the paper's art director whimsically added a bone and then more bones and at last a pile of bones directly in front of the dog, explaining instantly why it had been so rigorously straining against its leash for so long. It took several weeks for anyone to notice, and when it at last came to Lynch's attention, he was more than a little miffed. Seven years, week upon week, of precisely nonlinear conceptual rigor ruined. It was bitter.

He starred in the film Zelly and Me with his girlfriend, Isabella Rossellini. His album, Floating Into the Night – singer Julee Cruise has her name on it, but it's a David Lynch project – was released last fall. Already known for this role in helping revive Roy Orbison's career with Blue Velvet's masterfully incongruous use of "In Dreams," Lynch has attempted cloudy, atmospheric mood music in the manner of Orbison, although if there is anything that David Lynch seems unlikely to achieve, it is the grand unfettered emotion available in any Roy Orbison hit. Something seems a little frantic about all this ultrabusy creativity, about a maker of movies doing television shows and comic strips and paintings and chicken kits and albums, and that's even without mentioning Industrial Symphony o.1, a sort of dream-sequence performance-art experience with music that he's racing off to stage at the New Music America festival. Even in today's Hollywood, where every star leads a Renaissance existence, no one has more irons in the fire of Art. His coffee-table book of writings, sketches, and photographs is forthcoming from Harper & Row.

His own home, the Frank Lloyd Wright dwelling in the Hollywood hills, has no coffee table. That's because, said one journalist, paraphrasing Kafka's "A Hunger Artist," "he's never found any furniture he likes." He lacks a dog now as well, since Pepino never returned. "He's gone now. Pepino was a mutt, given to me by Isabella. When she met Pepino, she said, 'Aha, this is a dog for David.' I didn't really want a dog that much. I had a dog, Sparky, that was the love of my life. I got him on The Elephant Man. I think Spark died of old age — that's what we're hoping. Anyway, Pepino was a smiler. He really and truly smiled. And it was out of happiness. A real smile, not one that you think because you' re the parent dog is smiling. Everyone saw it. Big smiles. Sometimes just on one side, sometimes a full smile, and it depended on what was going on. But Pepino was shaping up to be one of the all-time great dogs, and then one day he disappeared. For the next two days, I saw coyotes in front of the house. This coyote really looked guilty. Skulking, skulking. And almost...I, I, you know. I knew. And the coyote knew that I knew."

When David Lynch was a boy growing up in Boise, in the idyllic timber green woods of the Northwest, and one of the other boys nearly blew off his foot, did the others learn their lesson at last? "No. We blew up South Lake Junior High swimming pool. I was arrested. We made the Salt Lake City papers and the Boise papers, four of us. We didn't blow it up, we set off a bomb in there – actually for safety reasons. The pool was built off the ground. These bombs we were making were pipe bombs, and they would hit the ground and not explode until they were about eye level. And they would explode with such a force that the pipe would just completely turn inside out, and shrapnel would blow. We threw it in the pool so that the shrapnel would hit the side of the pool. We threw it in around ten o'clock Saturday morning, and the smoke came up shaped like the pool. This thing rose up just instantly shaped like the pool. Just for a moment, till the wind blew it." In his pause, you can see it too, a cloud in the shape of a pool. "It filled the pool with smoke and it just took that shape. And you could hear it for, I don't know how far, but it shook windows supposedly for five blocks. It was a big bomb."

The last scene, the last shot on the last day of David Lynch's next movie. A house is on fire, all lit up behind plate-glass picture windows, living room walls painted swimming-pool aqua green. Flames are moving everywhere now, first small and almost too slowly, then almost too quickly. Much too quickly, far too quickly, much too quickly. Technicians yell, "Save it!" There is no saving it. One of the front window cracks, goes gray with smoke, shatters. It's hot. There is nothing inside but flame now. The other windows explode with the heat. The heat is a wall, solid, moving out from the house. David Lynch and the cameramen are pushed back, pushed away from the house. They run away, they leave the cameras behind. The fire roars. Lynch stands and watches the cameras standing alone watching the flames swallow the house. A cloud of smoke is overhead. He has his hands in his pockets.

Wednesday, August 22, 2007

Aphorism Number Sixteen

Never have your wallet with you onstage. It's bad luck. You shouldn't play the piano with money in your pocket. Play like you need the money.
Tom Waits
(speaking to Bart Bull) from SPIN

Elvis Presley; The Great Performances

by Bart Bull
(published in Details)

Elvis, of course, invented rock ‘n’ roll. And rap too. Elvis invented Judaism and schmaltz both. He invented the guitar and the gramophone, Dilaudid and the DEA, Dylan, Springsteen, Morrissey, Public Enemy, Guns N’ Roses, rock criticism, and the modern milking machine. He was the Singing Brakeman, the Father of Country Music, the Waltz King, the High Sheriff of Hell, the Woman Who Broke Up The Beatles, His Master’s Voice. Regrets ? He had a few. Then again, too few to mention.

Aphorism Number Two; Special Effects (One of a series; collect 'em all!)

The worst thing that ever happened to movies is when audiences learned the term "special effects."
Bart Bull (1985)

Tuesday, August 21, 2007

Aphorism Number Three — Muscle Cars (One of a series; collect 'em all!)

Muscle cars don't have fins.
To put it another way: If it's got fins, it's not a muscle car.
Bart Bull
1991, in Details

Monday, August 20, 2007

Aphorism Number One; The Internet (One in a Series — collect 'em all!)

The default of the internet is "free."
Bart Bull (circa 1995)

Sunday, August 19, 2007

Country Music: Border Radio

(published in SPIN)

There's every reason to believe that country music might well have withered away without the mighty Mexican stations hurling it back across the border; it's certain the music would have lost all of its oddball backspin. Hank Williams and Professor Longhair and Bob Hope all sold Hadacol tonic ("...Had'ta call it somethin'....) for Louisiana's Senator Dudley LeBlanc; the Carter Family sold anything you put in front of them; Wolfman Jack howled rhythm and blues and roach powder in the same thrill-packed tones. Consider that the next time some constipated rock critic complains about music 'n' merchandising being hazardous to the integrity of rock'n'roll. Consider the alternative they'd prefer: pop music as museum culture, hermetically sealed behind non-reflective glass, with tastefully illuminating exhibition notes provided by . . . well, you know who. Consider, too, that Dr. Pepper used to be good for what ails you.

Friday, August 3, 2007

Aphorism Number 15: The Dark Ages (one of a series; collect 'em all)

No matter how much of that knights-in-shining-armor jazz we’ve grown accustomed to, for most people the Dark Ages were a grim and dismal time, when being alive was just as big a mistake as being dead.
Bart Bull

Thursday, August 2, 2007

Aphorism Fourteen; An observation on appearances; (one of a series; collect 'em all)

"If I was a girl, I'd want to look like that."

Tom Waits, to Bart Bull

Aphorism Number Thirteen; Roux (one of a series; collect 'em all)

You snooze, you burn the roux.
Bart Bull

A Gumbo Recipe; Pre-Katrina Style



Cut up a chicken or two. Go ahead and start making a big old pot of stock with the scraps. Better crack a beer -- this is going to take a while. Probably best put on some music -- if you're not in New Orleans, you need to pretend you're listening to WWOZ, so put on some Professor Longhair or Clifton Chenier. It's mandatory, or obligatory, or demandevilled, as Fess might've said.

Dredge the chicken parts in flour seasoned with black pepper, white pepper, cayenne pepper, garlic powder, and salt. Fry 'em golden. (If you're in New Orleans, just go ahead on and get it at Mackenzie's Bakery on Elysian Fields over by Allen Toussaint's Sea-Saint Studios. You're never in life going to make any fried chicken that great, so why mess around? That's the only Mackenzie's that has chicken, so don't confuse everybody by going to some other Mackenzie's Bakery and asking for fried chicken. They're going to look at you like you lost your damn mind. If it's before Mardi Gras, best get you a king cake too. )

Make sure and save that leftover seasoned flour -- you need it for the roux. Start chopping up three or four good-sized yellow onions, three or four green peppers, four or five stalks of celery, four or five or six or seven cloves of garlic. You don't have to dice them evenly; a little coarseness in the chopping will add texture as you cook 'em down. Throw all the scraps in the stock. Mix those vegetables together. Season them with cayenne pepper, black pepper, maybe white pepper too, and salt. Color 'em up.

When the chicken's done, do you a good nice thorough job of draining it off. Take most of that oil and save it in a jar. You can use it again, if you mark it as "Chicken Oil." Put it up there next to the White Truffle Oil or something. Leave some oil in the skillet, and all of those chicken batter crumbs. Scrape around down in the skillet to loosen them so they don't stick to the bottom while you make the Roux.

Shake that bag (paper, not plastic) of seasoned flour one time for luck. If you forgot to close it up before shaking, that's a bad sign. No more beers for you, buster. Heat that oil you left in the skillet. (Either go make the roux outside or else crank the fan or open all the windows or else live to learn with the consequences.) Just before it wants to start smoking, add that seasoned flour. Okay, here's where life gets interesting, so stick around.

You snooze, you burn the roux. We're going for a dark-ass roux here, somewhere between dark chocolate color and burned. Any lighter than that and the charming spouse will be forced to mention that last time's batch was, well, smokier . . . although this gumbo's nice, in its little way. Not quite as rich and smoky, though. So keep stirring, and watching. It's going to sneak up on you the minute you answer the phone, or go feed the cats (who get all stirred up by that ritual chopping of the chicken), so don't. The darker it gets, the faster it gets darker. So just watch it and keep stirring.

It's sort of like that Staples Singers song, "As An Eagle Stirreth Her Nest," the one that goes "God in His own mysterious way/Stirs up His people/To watch, fight, and pray." Don't go browsing through your Staples Singers records right at the moment, though. Do what they tell you: Watch, fight, and pray, in exactly that order. Your next problem is you probably done already forgot to open enough windows but it's too late now. One step away from the roux and you'll lose it —and maybe burn that roux too.

Plus, even when you've got the roux just about right, if you take it off the burner, that hot skillet will keep cooking it darker and probably burn it, so I sure hope you've got all of those vegetables chopped up, because dumping them into the roux right now is the best way to cool it. I hope this all works out for you because otherwise you're having fried chicken tonight.

Cook those vegetables down in the roux until they're butter-soft. Then add them to the boiling stock. Chop up a couple of links of andouille sausage and add them too. (Depending on the kind of person you are, you might want to render some of the fat off by frying 'em a little first, but we're making gumbo here — if fat's a big fat issue, you probably want to hit the eject-button quick.)

Add the chicken too — you may want to bone it before you toss it in, although if you're feeling somewhat purist, you definitely probably get more flavor by cooking it off the bone in the gumbo. It's a little more hassle to get every single bone out that way, but it makes it funkier. It's gumbo, after all. There's supposed to be some significant funk factor. Chicken bones, crab shells, such like.

Peel a pound or two of shrimp using your amazing Austalian prawn peeler. (It's a little plastic stick with a curve in it, and is without a doubt one of the finest achievements of Western Civilization. It's what separates Man from the non-shrimp-shell-shucking Beasts.) If you're feeling semi-obsessive, maybe make a quick little stock out of the heads and shells, then add that to the gumbo-to-be. Chop (or smash, sideways, Chinese-stylee) a clove of garlic; saute until soft, then add the shrimp and cook just long enough to turn 'em shrimp-colored. Throw 'em in the gumbo with the garlic butter and all. You're going to want to skim a layer or two of oil off before you serve. Or not.

You're probably not going to put in crabs because Some Women have been known to complain that they're too much trouble for too little meat, although they never seem to mind if you add some lump meat. You could saute that too, if you're the devil-may-care sort — you are, right? — or you've entirely lost perspective — you have, right? You've gone this far — you better go ahead and add some oysters (and the oyster liquor) a couple few minutes before you serve the gumbo over rice.

You didn't forget to make rice, did you? Dang! You're not from New Orleans, are you?

Aphorism Number Eleven; Special Effects II (one of a series; collect 'em all)

Jesus was a little lame when it came to faking his way through sticky situations without calling in the special effects.

Wednesday, August 1, 2007

Aphorism Number Ten; Cindy Crawford (one of a series; collect 'em all)

My relationship with Cindy Crawford was not a long one, but while it lasted, we were very close. I held the door for her; she held the elevator for me.

Bart Bull, from Vogue

Aphorism Number Nine; Knowledge (one of a series; collect 'em all)

The man who knows more than most wishes it weren't all true.

Bart Bull

Aphorism Number Five; (one in a series; collect 'em all)

A simple formula: Architects talk incessantly of function/ The function of primary importance to them is the drafting of payment checks for architectural services rendered/ Form follows function

Aphorism Number Six; On the qualifications necessary to evalutate architecture

There's no question about my qualification for judging buildings; I've been in and around them my whole life. I was even born in one -- a big one.

Aphorism Number Four; Film Critics (one of a series; collect 'em all)

Movie reviewing is exactly the easiest job in the world. But just like everybody else, movie reviewers like to think they got it rough — otherwise, how could they come home and bitch about work?
Bart Bull, 1985